I stared down the barrel of change in the past few days, the philosophy that by changing yourself, your lifestyle and your patterns that you somehow become a better person. You keep your insecurities to yourself, re-plaster the emotional walls that you have built, and let go of people who bring you down. Change is inevitable, it’s part of life, but Is change good? Does changing yourself change your situation, your acceptance by society, your health? There are countless articles and quotes stating: Do not change yourself for anyone. Society has us in an invisible room, a comfortable room. A room which makes us feel safe and grounded, taken care of and accepted, even if the foundation of this room is built on insecurities, comparison and unreachable standards. Stay as you are, they tell us, then bombard us with appearance issues, weight control images and mental health stigmas. All of the above, including a recent self-loathing, has led me to think: What if change yourself isn’t...

Social Anxiety. S.A.D. I wish beyond belief that this didn't exist. Through everything life has thrown at me, this is one of the worst. To constantly second guess yourself and your relationships is torture, but it doesn't have to be this way. After noticing many, many new articles and posts online regarding S.A.D myths, I thought I would set the record straight with a few facts and tricks on how to regulate this in your life. 1. S.A.D vs texting Texting is a normal thing, right. To conduct conversation. Sometimes, though, even such a mundane task sends flames of fear through my heart. I am usually one of two people: The over-texter Have you ever sent a message, looked back and thought, "Why the hell did I send that?". Well, that's me EVERY TIME. Every single message I send becomes a little mental game: have I said the right thing? Have I said too much? Should I stop talking? Should I send more? Thank goodness for the 'delete message' button, am I righ...

I have suffered many scars in the course of 7 years; mental scars, emotional scars, and physical scars. I see my scars and experiences as pieces of progress and character, but I didn't always feel this way. For a long time I tried to hide the pained side of me, and it's much easier to hide the invisible scars than the visible ones. The scars from my self harm are far more visible than my emotional scars. Today I want to encourage you by sharing how I turned my self harm into self love and learned to accept every part of myself, good or bad. Why do people self harm? This is different for everyone! I did it because it made me feel something. My disorders made me numb - my cuts made me feel. However, this feeling of 'feeling something' doesn't last. Self harm does more harm than good. The reasoning behind the self-inflicted pain is different for everyone, but I can guarantee that the results never live up to expectation! After time, they just add more pain and sham...

You're ugly. You're worthless. Why are you even alive? You mean nothing and never will. Don't even try because you'll fail. You'll never be happy. No one will ever love you... I have heard these words more than I can count. When I was 13 I started experiencing intense bullying, both physical and verbal. To be told these things every day, no matter how hard you try, you start to believe them. No one ever told me any different, so what was I, as a young teenager, to believe? I started to hate myself. I mean HATE myself. I fully believed that I would never accomplish anything and that my life was a mistake. To be honest, sometimes I still do. Words are incredibly, ferociously powerful! They have the power to build or destroy you. And it is so true and so sad that you are more likely to believe what others tell you then what you tell yourself. In 11th grade I decided something had to change. I couldn't live hating life, and I wanted to prove those people wrong. Lo...

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. There are just weeks that push me down and make me feel like I can't breathe. Life is so overwhelming, and there is so much pressure placed on us. Pressure to excel in school/varsity/work, pressure to look good, pressure to have a good body, pressure to be confident, to eat healthy, to be kind and generous....it never ends. And as a result, we become hard on ourselves and grow a hatred when we cannot always achieve these things. We begin to believe we are not good enough and should just stop trying... When life becomes choppy and you cannot see over the waves, when you feel overwhelmed and anxiety takes over, when your chest becomes tight and you cannot breathe....just stop. Stop and take a deep breath. Clear your mind. You do not have to meet anyone's expectations! Your abilities are so much better than their expectations. You have nothing to prove, not to yourself or anyone else! Don't put yourself down for not being perfect. Imper...

Where do you find your identity? If someone had to ask you to describe yourself, what would you say? Is your identity in your looks? Your work? Your family? For a very long time I put my identity in my achievements. In my marks. I felt that I wasn't good enough to be identified with anything else, because there was nothing else I excelled in. I was my achievements. And if I didn't achieve, I would completely break. I'd feel worthless, like I didn't try hard enough or simply didn't deserve anything. It's very dangerous and draining placing your identity in something other than yourself and who God made you to be. You were crafted and designed by someone who took the time to design you the way you are, with all your quirks and interests. Don't identify yourself with something that will let you down. My marks let me down sometimes and I felt broken and forgotten. As if people wouldn't like me unless I had something to show for myself. But once I put my id...

Right now I'm sitting under a tree. I know this doesn't sound particularly profound, but it's not something I often do. I am not the most outdoorsy person, but even I cannot deny the beauty of a tree. As the wind blows, it gives small groans. It sound s like it's in pain. And the rustling leaves sounds like soft music. It's incredibly peaceful and awe inspiring... A tree is really strong. It's built to endure and survive. But it is also stunningly beautiful. How creative is God?! He designed the most beautiful and stable creation. And if He made a tree so strong and stunning, how much better didn't He make us? We also endure tough storms in our lives and have to fight through wind, rain and thunder. But we, like a tree, survive. We are undeniably strong and capable of amazing things. I have many scars, like a tree has flaws in its bark. The flaws are what makes the tree, and us, unique and lovely. It gives strength and character and is a reminder to keep f...

What is your biggest fear? The future? The unknown? People? Death? We all have fear. As someone living with anxiety disorder, fear is something I live with daily. It's like a monster crouched on your shoulder, waiting for his chance to ruin your life and dictate your thoughts. He's always there. He controls you, your thoughts and your actions. He keeps you awake at night, and keeps you in bed in the morning. He destroys your life...if you let him. Fear is not something to be afraid of. This might sound unusual, but I have a fear of being afraid. And if I'm not afraid of something, my mind finds something to fear. It's an endless cycle. But it's your choice whether to break that cycle. How many times did fear stop you from doing something? How many times did he whisper in your ear? I challenge you to choose not to listen. It's not easy! Being afraid is easy. But being brave is where you find your strength. It's ok to be anxious now and then, but what's ...

It's easy to become what others say you are: that you are not good at what you do. That you are not worth being around. That you have made too many mistakes to be a good person. That you have failed too many times to be a success...They put you in a mold, and bending to shape is too easy. I used to drown in these thoughts. The lies that others tell you to put you down, so that they can lift themselves up. Trying to make you forget your worth. People can be cruel. It's so easy for others to make someone feel like they aren't worth anything. They create a mold around that person, and they just slip right into their shape. What's difficult is acknowledging the lies, standing your ground, and being strong through it all. Difficult as this is, it's also critical to valuing yourself. Don't accept the mold others put you in. Be strong and different enough to simply not fit. Why is it so easy to accept lies and reject the truth? When someone used to compliment me, a m...

They say it takes a month to break or start a habit. Just one month. 4 weeks. 30 days. It doesn't sound like a long time, but a lot can happen in a month. As someone with dermatophagia, I hurt myself a lot. However, it has been one month since I hurt myself in any way. It has been one month since I had a depressive spell. It has been one amazing month for me! In retrospect, it isn't a very long period of time. But it's enough to change your perspective. I started focusing on who I am, instead of the comparative 'who I want to be'. And I found that she's a pretty great person, not perfect, but unique. It took a month for me to find who I really am, what I love and who I not want to be, but have already been. I love what I found, and I can walk with a new found confidence and hope that I have never had before. And I didn't to anything particularly 'fancy'...I just took one month and devoted it to me. I encourage you to take a month. You do not have to ...

My dermatophagia is not something I have spoken about before. It's still something I am coming to terms with. But I know that many people struggle with it and I want to be encouragement that it's possible to overcome. So, what is Dermatophagia? It is an obsessive compulsive disorder that makes one rip their skin apart, namely around the fingers and inside of the mouth. These people (me included) are known as 'wolf biters'. It is also sometimes accompanied by anxiety. I have been highly ashamed of this for years. It's only recently that I discovered that I have a disorder. As I have previously discussed, however, I see this more as something to overcome than live with. I became so obsessed with my hands. I would hide them in any way possible, and refused to shake someone's hand or pass objects to them. I would also use this as a form of self harm (although I fully believe that Dermatophagia is not a self harm disorder!). But I also started praying a lot. I ful...

I got asked an interesting question today, and felt the need to share the answer: 'What's it like, living with a mental disorder everyday'? This question took me rather by surprise. See, I don't see myself as having disorders. I see them as battles to win and overcome, not live with. Nevertheless, I am going to try to answer this question, speaking personally of course, with as much simplicity as I can. This, for me, has a 3 part answer. I will discuss a new part over the next 3 days. 1. Depression What's it like? It's like dying alive. It's like living out of habit rather than want. It's not being able to wash your hair, get out of bed, get dressed or eat without feeling weak and despondent. It's hating being alone, hating being with people...hating being you. It's feeling lonely, hated and forgotten all the time, and fearing being judged and ridiculed. It's craving death and fearing life. But it's also strength: it's fighting ...

A little girl bought a ragdoll one day. The sweetest doll you ever saw, with bright red wooly hair, a wide stitched smile and floral dress. They did everything together and formed a strong bond. But one day the little girl turned into a teenager, and didn't play with her ragdoll anymore. So she put her in a big box with many other forgotten objects and left it at the side of the road for someone else to find. All the doll's companions were soon taken, but no one had a use for a little doll. Her hair quickly faded, her smile pulled loose and her dress tore. She was all alone, left behind. Everyone around her was moving forward, but she was forgotten. I feel like this doll a lot. Like everyone around me is progressing and doing amazing things: travelling, excelling, getting into relationships...And here I am. Doing nothing new, sitting alone day after day and never truly getting anywhere. Nothing is getting better. But the doll soon got picked up by another little girl who alw...

Today I climbed off the tracks. I've been standing there for a long time, waiting for a train that didn't seem to be coming. But today it came. And although I'm still far away from my destination, I'm on my way, and that's what matters. Today I climbed on a train. I don't know where it's going. I don't know who is on it with me. I can see many faces still standing by the tracks, unable to climb on. They look frightened, and I don't blame them. I used to be one of them. Today I started breathing again. Although my lungs still hurt from the smoke of the train...It passed by many times before I finally got on. But I can breathe. I can see ahead, and not just see it, but move towards it. Today I smiled. I havnt done that in a long time. My face hurts when I do it, which makes me smile more. I laugh. I don't recognise the sound but I like it. It feels good. Today I decided to live. I am not on the tracks of my disorders anymore but on my train to ...

Why me? Everyone else seems so happy, like they have it all together. So why must I be different..Why me? I've asked this too many times to count. I didn't do anything, so why should I be punished? I felt like there was something wrong with me...that I was weak and worthless. That I had no strength or will to live through it. But I wasn't being punished, I was being prepared. Looking back, if I hadn't gone through what I did, and still am, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I'm damn proud of her because I fought hard to be her! Don't see your circumstances as punishment. It is tough to look at a happy side to pain, but imagine what you will be capable of in the future. I've had the tremendous privilege to sit down with people and help them through their battles, something I wouldn't be able to do without my 'disorders'. I wouldn't be able to write this without them! When you are feeling worthless, punished and forgotten, try to t...

"It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored." This is a quote that I recently stumbled upon, and it's incredibly accurate. It's  something I have struggled with for a long time. Being a bit reserved, I find myself shoved to the side, totally seen but completely ignored. The painful truth is, though, that sometimes this isn't true at all. We tend to think the world is against us and that we are simply not worth being loved. But the world isn't against you, they are for themselves. We live in a very self-centred world. It's sad but true. People would rather focus on their own lives than look up and notice yours. And, being honest, I've fallen into this trap too, focusing so much on my life and my problems that I seem to forget those around me. When you feel ignored, forgotten and shoved aside, please remember that it isn't always you. It's not because you are a terrible person or b...

I spent a long time trying to find a source of power in my life. It felt like the more I tried, the more people would take that power from me. They would destroy my wings and give me scars. I felt weak and not worth fighting for. Powerless. But you see, people can be cruel because they don't understand. Or maybe because they do understand, and their pain is shown through cruelty. But all those people who were breaking my wings forgot one important fact...I have claws too. When I spent all that time searching for power, I didn't realise that I already had it. Power comes from brokenness. Truly powerful people know pain. Understandably it's not the ideal place to gain power. But that power is so unimaginably strong that no one can come against it. It's the power that comes from small things that others overlook: getting up in the morning, going out the house, washing your hair, choosing to live in the midst of your war. That's power! That's strength! The miscon...

I am not here to hide. In fact, I'm done hiding. It's exhausting. I am here to be honest, to be sincere, and to be a voice. 5 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. It felt like I was drowning, like everything and everyone was against me...that I wasn't good enough to even live or breathe. I didn't have the strength. If it wasn't for Jesus, the only strength and hope I had left, I would not be here today. He was, is, and always will be my light. A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with Dermatophagia. It is not a well known disorder, although many people suffer from it. At first I was ashamed, I felt that I had to hide and fear myself. Like I was a monster.. But I'm not. I'm not perfect, but that's ok. I may be on the road to recovery, and there are days that I feel like all hope is lost, but I am strong. I'm a fighter. Everyone is. There is a warrior inside everyone, no matter your gender, age, circumstances or mental or physi...