7 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I went through hell for 4 of those 7 years. But in year 5 things started going well. I found my will to live again. I gained confidence, love for life and tenacity. I learned who I was, who my friends were, and how to accept what I had been through and almost move on.
Recently, however, I feel like I'm falling back into where I was 7 years ago. I am demotivated, sick of people, of life and my circumstances. To put it plainly, I'm tired of fighting through my life. I feel like I'm falling...
What do you do when you fall back to that place you were? When you feel like you're about to give up...again. I want to tell you today, from a place of experience, heartache and genuine compassion, that you are NOT failing at life. You are not a weak person. You are not worth less because of your disorder. You are tired. and tired is ok. There is a huge difference between being tired and giving up. And I may not know you, but I do know that you are strong enough to overcome anything. You've done it before.
Remember the time you were ok. The time you laughed because you could, when you smiled without hiding pain. Go back to that time. Start a journal, play an instrument. Watch your favourite movie...watch it again. Find the people who shared in those good times with you and tell them you are in pain again. I promise they won't walk out on you.
The enemy is not fighting you because you are
weak. He is fighting you because you are strong,
and he fears that. Don't let him win the fight, keep
him fearing your strength.
When you feel broken and ashamed, when you look at a knife with fond remembrance instead of proud rejection. When you want to cry without reason, or life feels like it isn't worth living. Please know that you aren't alone and that you are not going to give up. You are tired...so rest. Focus on what you love and the people you love. Don't stop fighting, but stop living in pain and fear. Stop hating life. It isn't easy, I know. But your fighting spirit is stronger than your depression. You are stronger than your circumstances. Get back to the place you were when you were ok. I'm on that journey with you.
I know that all the above is easier said than done. Sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone. There are people who understand. And I truly and without judgement care about every single person suffering in any way. It isn't fair or easy, but you are stronger and braver than you ever were, and capable of amazing things! Believe in yourself and look at life with tenacity and fondness. You are worth so much more than you know!
Don't give up. You are not alone.
xx
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