1. I am not shy
Contrary to what all my 'friends', family and fellow students think, I am not shy. In fact, if you actually get to know me, I will not shut up in conversation! I am very spontaneous, loud and child-like...if you let me be. The problem is that it takes me up to a year to make a friend close enough to be myself around. Sometimes, with some people, I actually never get to that stage.
It's not that people with social anxiety hate people. Actually, statistically, we are more compassionate, caring and accepting than most. We love people. We just don't know if they love us. Before I speak, I go over the conversation in my head: Will it be acceptable to say this? Am I being rude? Will they judge me? Maybe I should just keep quiet...
We will never go to people for conversation first, not because we are necessarily shy, but because the thought of rejection is more powerful to us than the thought of making a friend. So please, I am not shy! Just afraid.
2. My phone is my worst enemy
My friends always laugh because I cannot answer a phone call. As in, AT ALL! If I answer your phone call, you should feel very privileged because it never happens. I cannot phone anyone else either. To be completely honest, I don't really know why. Just the thought of answering a call pushes up my heart rate. For a long time this amused me...but I am no longer laughing. So please don't hate us for not answering your call; chances are we are staring at the phone praying for you to rather send a text.
3. I am lonely
With social anxiety, unfortunately, comes a lack of friends. I read recently that confidence attracts people and it is the fundamental ingredient to a good friendship. If this is the case then the fact that I have the 2 friends I do is a miracle. And that 2 isn't me being exaggerative or piney, it's just fact. Out of the many Facebook friends and Instagram followers (which compared to others is actually a sad amount) that I have, of all my contacts and groups on WhatsApp, the number of people I can contact NOW for coffee....I actually don't think there is anyone.
I don't get invited places, and as a result I don't invite people places. I know all of the above is partially my fault, but I am terrified of contacting people because what if they say NO.
4. I. Hate. Parties
I don't think I am antisocial or a downer when it comes to parties. in fact, I love a good get-together with close friends. The problem comes when there are people I don't know. You have to understand, I probably wont ever get to know your best friend from Joburg who you love more than me because she is an extrovert and loves parties....see how our minds work? This jealous cycle starts and we make it a huge deal, declaring to ourselves that we automatically dislike anyone who is prettier than us, has travelled more, has more money or is more confident.
Jealousy comes with this anxiety because I think, more than anything, we want to be accepted, confident and truly ourselves. Which isn't always easy. Actually, it's never easy.
So please don't hate us or judge us for being afraid, drawn away or quiet. We truly cannot help it.
There are so so many more things I can say, but then it'll be a book. For those suffering social anxiety, you are not alone! and I promise, your are more loved and accepted than you think. It's a fact that socially anxious people are seen more positively by people than they think! So hang in there..
For those not going through this, please be patient with us. Understand that we love you, and care about friendships with all our being. Sometimes though, its just difficult to be ourselves. But I can guarantee that we are some of the best people you will ever meet.
I hope that through honesty, vulnerability and unity we can break the sad stigma surrounding those with social anxiety. Help me, us, by accepting without judgment and loving without conditions...because that's what we do...
Be yourself! I am challenging myself here too!
Stay strong
xx
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